If you're a pedestrian please pay attention. If you approach a pedestrian crossing and the light depicting a red man standing still is illuminated please, whatever you do, don't step off the curb.

If you do choose to be a total imbecile and walk off the nice safe pavement into the path of traffic that has just been given a green light to move away from it's previously stationary position do not amble across.

If you do chose to amble across and a cyclist rings their bell and shouts at you, get the hell out of their way.

If you can't be bothered to get out of the way and the cyclist falls off, because of your stupidity, don't then ask in a patronising way if they are alright. When you do ask if they are alright don't be surprised if they have a slight air of annoyance at your stupidity, and don't, whatever else you do at this point, blame the cyclist or complain about cyclist jumping red lights, and don't then stand in the middle of the road while the rest of the traffic that was stationary waiting for you to get out of the way approaches.

This is pretty much what happened to me this morning as I came off Blackfriars Bridge, and as a result I have several large bruises and blood running down my leg. The stupid bint who decided to cross in front of me this morning acused me of being reckless (presumably for going through a green light at very low speed) and complained when I shouted at her for causing me pain. Perhaps I should have just run into her...